Wednesday16thMay07

Today I had to give a presentation in my Etiquette class.

On kilts.

Being a keen advocate of the garment (for heritage reasons of course) it should have been easy.

However, I hadn't done a presentation like this in years, and don't have the best of track records when it comes to class talks.

When I was around twelve or thirteen, my class was given an assignment to give individual talks about a recent vacation. I had just been to Florida so the timing was perfect. I had so much to say about what I'd seen. But, not wanting to end up with something similar to everyone else ('I went to the park, and then to the pool, etc etc') I decided to try and find an angle, something to set mine apart. And I did.

I realised that I had seen loads of funky new animals there so decided that my talk should be about the animals I had seen. I even included a run down of a night when I was so convinced there was a panther in my room (then later, an alligator) that I slowly and carefully, so as not to alert it to my presence, threw the entire contents of my luggage at my little brother till he woke up, making him go switch on the light. (I was lucky to live to tell the tale.) But that wasn't the worst part. The real icing on the cake was that I decided (goodness knows why) that to really get across the tension and excitement of all these amazing sights, I should perform the whole thing in the style of David Attenborough. I mean, the voice, the movements, everything.

To this day, I have no idea what came over me, but I was so convinced that my genius plan was foolproof that I followed it right the way through. It wasn't until afterwards when I turned to see my teacher looking incredulously at me, eyes wide, mouth agape, that i realised I'd maybe gone wrong somewhere. Turns out it was supposed to be a personal talk about the feeling of being on holiday. Needless to say I failed spectacularly. (Although given that my grades had been great till then, I didn't let it go without a fight. Which I lost.)

This ordeal is always in my mind when doing presentations. For some reason, the part of my mind that regulates good ideas from stupidity switches off when it comes to giving talks. And although I've learned never to go that far, I still managed to get a look of shock from the teacher when we got onto the slide debating the question of the 'true Scotsman.' I didn't fail and it didn't go too badly, (till that point) but I'm afraid I may never learn when it comes to giving talks.

The moral of the story: don't ask me to give a talk. (especially if i might enjoy it)