“a frog's a bit thick and will jump right off whereas a toad on a table will just sit there. Maybe hop to the edge and look over, but ultimately won't jump.”
-the conversion that met me as i tuned into radio 2 on line for some background sound yesterday afternoon. I was struck by how very British the whole thing was; a reserved conversation about the difference between toads and frogs; physical or philosophical.
So tonight, a man stands on the edge of a tunnel and decides that since he has nothing left to live for but the slim chance of clearing his name, jumps off into a waterfall (inevitably making it relatively unscathed or it would have made for a very short film) and I'm wondering if I'd do the same in his position.
-the thought that met me as I tuned into 'the fugitive' for some background sound this evening. I was struck by how very American the whole thing was; a big screen tv and cable with a classic action blockbuster.
Today I wondered what would happen if I gave my entire life to someone else. My entire identity. Sold everything that is me to the highest bidder to live out as they so wished. Would they do a better job than I'm doing? Would they be cautious or would they see all the opportunities that I miss and live it out more fully? And what if I was to live in someone else's life?
Would I be a frog, jumping away from danger? Or a toad, using bitterness as a deterrent for the need to jump? I'm not so sure the frog's all the stupid. I'm also not so sure that the fugitive was all that clever.
Either way, it all comes down to survival. What is it about life that's worth protecting?
Thursday, 30 October 2008
foreground background sound
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Rebekah Tait
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Tuesday, 28 October 2008
never work with kids or animals
tonight im chilling out (freakin out at the matrix-esque themes in House this week a little) after helping out with a bunch of insane kids who were all up past their bedtime.
im surprised they let me back after last week; after chasing and catching a baby girl, bee-lining to a socket, holding her at arms length in an attempt to avoid injury as she had decided it was a prime time to start dancing. it was late and crying soon ensued. im generally afraid of breaking kids cos im generally in awe of their existence. bundles of fragile limitless energy that squeeze and squish their way into the world and then squeeze and squish their way upwards till they (hopefully) reach adulthood so that the whole squeezy squishy cycle can start all over again. amazing.
this week was far more relaxed; listening to a girl playing teacher while balancing a baby with conjunctivitis who was clinging to me like a little monkey, and trying to avoid the slightly older kids who were obviously caught up in football (the american variety) season, threatening to tread on the smaller ones. then it was someone birthday so they all got filled with sugary, colourful cupcakes which made for about twenty little duracell bunnies till their parents picked them up.
their all insane, but it was kinda good fun.
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Friday, 24 October 2008
that friday feeling
I always presumed that it referred to a level of elation towards the forthcoming period of rest. Not today. It definitely has more of a feeling of foreboding.
It all began this morning when I went to take a shower. The intention was good, but somehow I managed to pull down the entire shower curtain and pole. And I wasn't even in it at the time.
The afternoon was shaping up to be a lot better and after roger and gill left to go pick up their son from the airport (he's visiting for the weekend) I decided to be hospitable and get lunch out for the girls in the office. The intention was good, but something went wrong after opening a drawer in the fridge. Again, I have no idea how I did it or what happened since my senses all seemed to respond in the wrong order; I felt a hard thud on my ankle, looked down to investigate the source of the pain, heard a loud crash of smashing glass, saw an upturned large empty tub, and lots of splintered glass floating around creating islands in an ocean of yorkshire pudding batter. (half of which was all over me.) Did I mention that the son is only here for the weekend, and, I'm presuming, the puddings were being made to acknowledge that fact.
I just called to give them a heads up, and as per usual, were very forgiving and didn't even seem phased by it.
As for my part, I think it would be safer for all people and animals (did I mention that I let the part-time dog escape upstairs to pee on the floor...?) in the vicinity if I stayed in my room for the rest of the day.
Or at least I would if it wasn't for the minefield of potential accidents I could cause between here and there.
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Thursday, 23 October 2008
a bit of a catch up
So where have I been?
Well, other than spreading my cold germs to everyone in the house, I've been pretty busy.
Sunday (feeling a little sorry for myself) I called my folks who had just got back from Kenya. A trip that I found out about through a friend noticing my mums status change on facebook, and my brother found out about when he received an email to say they had arrived safely. His response: “I'd care, but I didn't know they weren't in the country.” Here in lies a functional family. Anyway, I was chuffed to hear they had a great time helping (although I suspect there it took the form of playing) with some kids over there.
Monday was spent shuttling food from weight watchers centers in the area to the store at the food pantry. There were a bunch of young guys at the army sign up place next to one of the centers who I'm sure were wondering if it was a big ploy to help people loose weight; take away their food.
Here's the thing: there are the exact same amount of people in the world who are obese at the moment as those who are starving. A sobering fact that ww decided to make people aware of. For every pound that people lost over a set amount of weeks, they pledged to give a pound of food to set organisations. Ont op of that, the centers in the area encouraged people to take in food (using the amount of weight they had lost as a suggested amount) to go local pantry. Two of which, went to us.
We weighed 1600lbs of food from one center alone, and figured we had and actual tonne of food altogether that had been donated! How cool is that?! I couldn't believe how generous people had been, esp in the current economic climate!
And it was much appreciated. This morning the pantry was constantly full. Over the two hours we gave help to forty three families. Given that we normally average between forty and fifty with the morning and evening pantries combined, that was a lot. The only bad point with being so busy was that it meant that I didn't get a chance to talk to the guys coming in, some of whom I've started to get to know pretty well.
Although I did get a little embarrassed when one of them took in their son to meet me, who seemed to know everything about me before we met. It was meant well but I didn't really know what to do.
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Friday, 17 October 2008
Age is a funny thing.
In the grand scheme of things it's only a number.
After a conversation with my grandparents today, as my granpa passed on messages of threats to anyone who wasn't treating me properly, I was reminded of the fact that I'll never be much older than six in their eyes (and neither is my mum which makes for a quieriable explanation for my existence.)
Can we be defined by our age? Does it actually mean anything other than another record of time passing instead of being?
Age exists as much as time does. It does, but it doesn't.
It all depends on your perspective.
People are only as old as they are, which, is part of the reason I love spending time with roger and gill. They may be a little older than me but half the time they're younger. It's brilliant.
The same goes for a couple who were visiting a few weeks ago. They're about the same age as my grandparents and look after a church in virginia beach, so I figure; best be on my best respectable behaviour...
Within a few seconds of meeting them I realised that these people were more full of life and a great sense of adventure than most people half their age. (perhaps the realisation was partly fueled by the proud showing of a tattoo the guy had just got of his wife(who, having just had her nose pierced, was planning her own tattoo venture)'s name on his arm... done by one of the other leaders in the church.) They take life seriously, and had us laughing to the point of tears over lunch over what they've seen of the seriousness of life.
Authentic and completely lacking in pretension.
And it really suits them all. There's nothing forced or mid-life-crisisy about them, just a genuine love for living life to the full. Unafraid to just go for it and unhindered. The only constraints from the number of years they've been here being physical.
I'd say they're all the sort of people I'd like to be when I grow up, but to be honest I'd be doing well to be full of that much life now, never mind then.
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Thursday, 16 October 2008
what if everyone was quiet?
It's never enough.
It's easy to point a finger at our culture and call it apathetic. It is.
The not-too-distant trip to new orleans is in it's final stages of preparation. The group (that has now grown to ten) is pretty much set with flights booked and accomodation organised.
A few days ago, as we were pulling together that last details it occurred to me how much i've been looking forward to this trip. Especially since receiving an email to say that there's loads of extra help needed since the most recent hurricanes, gutting houses etc. I had no doubt there would be loads we could help out with but you like to hope that the team will be used to the best of it's ability. (with electritians, construction workers and general; get stuck into anything people, ability is something this team is not short of.) as i've gotten to know them a little more I can't help but be taken aback a little by their genuine want to just do whatever they can. They couldn't care less if nobody ever knew, so long as they were being of some good to somebody. It's a pretty big deal to do something like that here as work holidays are far fewer and far between than at home. The guys on the team (although they'd never say it) are actually sacrificing quite a lot to go. Not to mention the implications the current financial climate that's hitting new york like a steam train...
They are the kind of people that I'd love to be more like.
Something that I could say of a lot of people i've met recently.
But he problem is this: the more you try and see where you could help, the more you find need for help. And even when you're helping, it still breaks your heart a little that you can't help more.
When the need in the world is so overwhelming, you really can't blame the world for attempting apathy, it's a great form of self deffence. (I avoided the news for the past few years for that very reason.)
But then the world is missing out on so much that can overwhelm it for the good, the stuff that can only be found when you clear help clear away a little ugly.
“The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing” -Albert Einstein
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Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Columbus day weekend
Sunday afternoon was spent cycling through suburbs with a friend. She called up to ask if I was free for a wee cycle. Three hours later...
it was truly lovely though. We cycled through suburbs on wide open roads flanked by quaint houses with mail boxes and the occasional over enthusiastic halloween decoration.
And there were the trees.
It's been uncharacteristically warm for this time of year so they're taking they're time to turn. But every so often, in the tunnels of green with blue blue peaking through, fiery red or orange or gold would flash. Birds were singing, the sun was shining. It was idyllic.
Taking advantage of the weather we headed all the way up to the north shore, over highways (which freaked me out a little) through long winding country roads following the smell of the sea till the trees passed and a painting unraveled in front of us.
Along the left; a mirror bay with jetties and sailboats. Along the right; a white pebble beach with blue clear sea.
Beautiful.
And peaceful. I guess partly cos everyone's gone pumpkin and apple picking or upstate for the holiday weekend, but the place was surprisingly empty for such a gorgeous day, and I certainly wasn't complaining.
It was a lovely way to relax after the usual organised mayhem of sunday mornings.
Monday morning I went into the city, prepped and ready to hit a couple of exhibitions at the Met.
I got there, followed my google map instructions... somebodies moved it. Foul play is the only explanation. Needless to say I was a bit bummed but spending time in the city was hardly a hardship; walking, watching and maybe even a little shopping.
Time to reflect on absolutely nothing, and everything. Time to be entertained on trains; overheard conversations of a girls opinionated tales of trips to Scotland (it made me giggle – you never know who you're sitting next to) on the way there; then the chosen audience for two old drunk men (one fell asleep, the other - “Michael! Michael! Are y' tired? Michael!” - I tried not to giggle - “wake up! Are y' tired?... I think he's tired.”)
and then home.
beautiful.
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Tuesday, 14 October 2008
“The art of losing isn't hard to master”*
'One Art' is one of my favourite poems.
At first it may seem a little depressing.
Losing things; some, seemingly arbitrary; others, more absolute.
Today I momentarily lost my computer mouse, the last in a growing list of things I've lost recently. Most annoyingly my pen drive and sunglasses have gone walkabout. I blame tidy living. I could always find things in the organised mess that was my bedroom floor. (or maybe I just remember finding things because it was such a miracle if I did.)
I've lost a lot of things in the last year or so.
some pounds, some sleep, some boundaries, some family, some friends
losing things can hurt. A lot.
But it's only in losing things that you realise what you have.
The lack of something you had, brings appreciation for the thing you had and what you have left.
I've heard many people say that they wish they had wings so they could fly. But this never really made much sense to me. The idea that something unachievable will make your life more meaningful.
Yes wings would be pretty cool. But isn't it just a symptom of the human condition (a an excuse of a phrase in itself): We aim for what we can't have so that we have something to concentrate on, an excuse, to escape reality. Something to blame other than ourselves.
Perhaps.
But what is there to blame for, when what we have is so fantastic.
Whose to say that the birds don't look at us in awe of the ability to live without the wings that constrict them to the skies? Oh, for aposable thumbs!
The thing I don't get is this:
the people i've met in life who seem to be most happy are the ones that have no quams with giving up everything.
Even more baffiling are the one's who have 'nothing' and are happy.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
But the art of finding is.
Finding that life can be an amazing thing, and anything else is a bonus.
This poem to me is not depressing.
It's a reminder that life lives that opposite way than we like it to. That there's a lot more to be had.
Could it be that sometimes losing is the only way to find?
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Monday, 13 October 2008
being Scottish has it's advantages
“I'd like shweet, a shower and a shave.”
shaid Shawn Connery in 'the rock.'
The man has a lot to answer for. (not counting the random SNP cold call messages he narrates.)
The last time I checked, his particular twang was not a typical representation of a Scottish accent. People here, however, seem to think a little differently.
For the record, being compared to an old man (albeit one who played some pretty funky characters) is not something I appreciate.
Unfortunately he appears to be the only point of reference for folks so I guess i'm just going to have to bite my tongue and accept the meant compliment:
“oh my gosh! You sound just like Sean Connery!”
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Tuesday, 7 October 2008
what a night
Tonight I was completely flattened.
Words were lost.
I met a lady who I'd never met before who, after some generic introductory type chat, told me that until two years ago she had never had a friend. This woman I guess was in her forties. She had always presumed that she had until she met people that were real friends. Genuine, honest, there for you when you need them, friends.
Around then I knew I was in trouble as this was only the beginning.
I was at a night that's run by the church for people with addictions, hurts etc. people who need a friend and some help. So the night started with food and followed on to a short special service to honour the woman who started it off; to pray for the one who was taking over and to hear from some of the people whos lives have been affected by it.
The weekly evening is called celebrate recovery and they really know how to celebrate.
Standing at the back I watched as people were singing. It's a much overused phrase, but I really was humbled by it. People were singing songs that tell of love and grace and giving up everything to follow God, regardless of what they're going through, and I couldn't comprehend it.
I knew these songs and I love them and I always thought I meant it when I sung them, but not like these people do. They really, really meant it. They understand what it's like to have literally nothing. To be dragged through the dirt in the worst possible ways. Most had seen the worst that life has to offer.
And they were celebrating.
Celebrating recovery both recovery and the hope thereof and the God whom they had found in that.
I was blown away.
To be honest I think most of the time I was there I spent in tears. I was so touched by the stories of recovery from the worst possible hurts and addictions. I have never known what it is to want or need for anything, and I thank God for that. But here I was in a room of almost a hundred people who do and they, still, were thanking God.
I left with a mind full of thoughts but struggled to speak.
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Monday, 6 October 2008
so, london
I arrived, met up with my parents, navigated our way to our hotel, got changed then headed to the preview of an exhibition I was part of.
For the first hour or so there were only artists and a few curators looking around, checking work had been hung properly etc. To say it was daunting would be an understatement. It might have been partly because I hadn't slept in a long time, but I couldn't believe that my work was hanging up in the same gallery as some of the other pieces. The standard was very high and I felt very overwhelmed by it.
The rest of the evening, however, was significantly more enjoyable.
It was all vip's and sponsors, but nonetheless I met some fantastic people many of whom really connected with the work which was kinda cool and a nice surprise. Some of them were particularly inquisitive, which I ordinarily would have loved but it's really hard to field questions when lacking in sleep. Actually, scratch that, I loved it anyway! It's a rare thing (well, in my minuscule amount of experience) to meet people who are vocal about your work to you, even more so to get compliments. As such, I was completely blown away by folks.
The next few days were lovely; chilling out with my folks, then once they left, with some people I met at the exhibition.
It was a flying visit but nevertheless was very much enjoyed. I decidedly disliked London as a young child (well, other than the museums) but it seems that a few extra years make for the acquiring of a taste, and a rather pleasant one at that.
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Saturday, 4 October 2008
back to normality...
this afternoon a few stolen minutes were spent lying on the living room floor with the latest vogue that i'd treated myself to; the new pages crinkling beneath my finger tips as each colourful, glossy page was turned for the first time. i felt at home, completely at ease.
yesterday, it was as if somebody had pulled a whole bunch of cotton wool out of my head. i final felt properly fine after a few weeks of rubbishness, jet lag, and general culture adjustment.
the timing was impeccable.
yesterday was also the day when half the world would begin to descend on the house.
this weekend (and the rest of the month) is the church's tenth anniversary so i'm staying elsewhere for the weekend while all rooms are being filled with visitors joining in on festivities.
i've met some crackin people so far, some who i have every intention of keeping in touch with (maybe even with future ventures in mind) but this weekend also comes with a downside. tonight was the first of three very large meals filled with fantastic food and home baked deserts... i'm doomed.
to those who have been inquiring - the gaps will be filled as soon as i get back to my own computer (including saturday shinanigans with the mobile soup kitchen that i've been waiting to process before publishing.)
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